So Long Spanx

Today I woke up and was ein bisschen glad to be leaving the Burrow soon. I found 10 bug bites on my body. Big deal, so what? I'll tell you what. These things are GROSE (huge in Deutsch but they are totally gross as well). Ich habe angst. I'm scared stiff to go to bed. Who knows what creepy crawling things come out at night? For all I know, I have been bitten by a venomous beetle and will shortly die an untimely death. I feel like the old lady on Cold Comfort Farm. "There's something nasty in the woodshed," only the woodshed is my bedroom. I have three bites that are the size of a quarter. Naturlich, these ones happen to be a little closer to my booty than I'd like. I had to restrain myself from itching all day long. I had an itch to itch. But you can't very well itch in public. It's one thing to itch your arms but your booty?? That's just not kosher. I've searched my room high and low but have had no luck in finding any culprits.

Now for the blog title. So I'll admit, three bites were evident after I took off my spanx gestern (yesterday). This I say with caution because, the last time mysterious skin, me and spanx were in the same sentence, I was confined to a couch under the false diagnosis of ring worm. After my things were burned, I found out I didn't have ring worm at all. Dry Skin. Though I was grateful for my family's concern. For themselves. What can I say? It's a hard life when you run into strange skin conditions. So last night, after being terrified out of my wits, I threw my spanx in the garbage. And that is saying something. I truly must have been out of my mind. I've held on to those things for years. It's a shame really, I can no longer do the "You Rang" impression of the Spanx cover cartoon. But before you shed any tears, know that I will get a new pair as soon as I get home.

To all creepy crawlers, I second the Spanx Man Motto.


PS: I sincerely hope I don't have more bites in the morning. Mostly because I'm not sure I can afford to lose any more blood. I am an idiot. Alright, I said it. Tonight I took a long shower and checked every inch of my skin for more bites. I decided to shave my legs to get a really thorough look at them. Of course then I had a brilliant idea. I noticed some grizzly hairs on my big toe. Now, I don't know about your world, but in mine, hobbit feet don't get the man. So I shaved my big toe. Note to audience: Don't try this at home. I nicked a patch of skin just before my big toe and it started bleeding all over. At home, this would have been no problem. Throw on a band aid and voila! Vienna, all the grocery stores close around 7pm. I'm fresh out of band aids (remember, I used them all on the flight over to clean my lint pants). I had to improvise and use several wades of toilet paper and elevate my foot for about an hour, or so it seemed. The bleeding has since stopped and I've learned my lesson. When in doubt, keep your toes hairy.